[a lot was lost up until this point, which I will start the story at]
... And it is here where my story one more begins, and where my views
take control of my being. It is this that makes me the crazed person
that some of you know me to be. In any instance, most of what I have
written before is lost, but then again, most of what is lost is best
left off that way.
It is here that I will begin, and it is here that my dissociative personality takes hold:
Long have I wanted something that I have trouble at getting, something
close to my reach but far from my spirits. It is something that I
wondered for the longest is worth striving for or even worth
acknowledging its existance. Something strong and capable of creation
or destruction if guided or misguided. Perhaps its this fear that
prevents one from realizing his true potential.
And when I look down on myself, I come to cope with
feelings of anxiety and mania, at times the rush and compulsions become
too much that it comes out as my instability. It is at this point that
I realize that I am having an out-of-body experience and, although I
can control it, somehow I can't recall it. Surely, this means that I
have some identity issues, and sure it means I need some resolution,
but restituion is far from my deserved actions. Maybe, at this point, I
have to come with grips with myself and remind myself how much I need
to associate myself once more, so that atleast I know I am not lying to
myself.
Yes, I am lying to myself at times and I will admit
to that. But it is now that I must look down at my audience with my own
eyes, and remind them who is in control in this situation. If I must
lie to myself, if I must be in some sort of distress, atleast I should
have control of myself to see what I am doing. So it is with that that
I rise from the fall I took a sort time ago, breathe, and welcome
myself to the world around me.
Once more and again, this is here and this is the
now, and I am here to remind you how deep down I am no quitter but I am
a person who, even in his dark times, manages to stand up once more to
all my opposition and insecurities. Like my professor said to me once:
"It is best to go down fighting then lose without fighting at all." I
know it is true, but it is only distracting me from what me true
intension have been so far, to find that thing I want in my life and
that thing I want to have once more.
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